Blog

Introduction:

Let me Introduce myself

We’ve been trying to conceive for three and a half years now. I’m now in my later 30’s and I never thought I would be here, didn’t imagine this would be my story. I’ve always wanted to be a mom and It’s taken years to accept where I am, to rewrite my fertility story and to actively surrender to where I am. And to be honest it’s still very much a work in progress; I may always fight with accepting my story.

Trying to conceive at first was hot passionate lets-make-a-baby sex, full of heart racing excitement and anticipation. I believed that it would happen immediately and was shocked after the first few months when the mild breast tenderness was actually PMS and not early signs of pregnancy. 

A pang of worry came creeping in but I could shrug it off when I started to look into it. “this is normal” I would tell myself. One thing led to another. A chain of tests, doctors, practitioners, herbalists, bodyworkers, specialists and soooo much research. All of which I will get into in more detail later on. As of right now I’m in the mysterious “unexplained infertility” category. 

I’m a lifelong learner and practitioner of natural medicines but I also see the importance of western medicine and have had my own life saving experience with being saved with surgery and antibiotics. I believe there is a place and time for both. This fertility journey has been a dance between the two. 

I am a stepmom of two teenagers. It is a blessing to be a bonus mom to these beautiful children but it is also surfaces a deep pain of mothering without being a mom, of caretaking children while desperately trying to have one of my own. Being thrown into the deep end of parenting teens is a challenge I never imagined for myself. I’ve only been in their lives for about 4 years now. Being a bonus mom while trying (and failing) at becoming a bio mom is excruciating. It generates rage, resentment, grief, jealously and comparison. I love these kids and at this point I can’t imagine my life without them and the feelings there are deep and complicated. Step-momming and infertility are intricately interwoven into my personal journey. 

I’m starting this blog as a sort of online diary. Unedited and unfiltered. It feels vulnerable and exciting to reach out into the great abyss of the internet and share some of the most gutted hurt I’ve ever gone through. I’m not on the other side of this. I don’t have a sweet little hero’s journey success story bundled up in my lap in the form of a baby. I’m right in the middle, fighting demons, braving the underworld. I want to be honest and real because there is so much silence and isolation in this process with a real lack of general education about infertility. But this is only my story, my experience, my feelings. I cannot speak for anyone else. 

Thank you for reading my story. If you are also on your own fertility path know you are not alone. There is a silent sisterhood around the world bearing this with you. Your story is worth being told. 

Introduction:

A Despondent Heart

We’ve been trying to conceive for three and a half years now. I’m now in my later 30’s and I never thought I would be here, didn’t imagine this would be my story. I’ve always wanted to be a mom and It’s taken years to accept where I am, to rewrite my fertility story and to actively surrender to where I am. And to be honest it’s still very much a work in progress; I may always fight with accepting my story.

Trying to conceive at first was hot passionate lets-make-a-baby sex, full of heart racing excitement and anticipation. I believed that it would happen immediately and was shocked after the first few months when the mild breast tenderness was actually PMS and not early signs of pregnancy. 

A pang of worry came creeping in but I could shrug it off when I started to look into it. “this is normal” I would tell myself. One thing led to another. A chain of tests, doctors, practitioners, herbalists, bodyworkers, specialists and soooo much research. All of which I will get into in more detail later on. As of right now I’m in the mysterious “unexplained infertility” category. 

I’m a lifelong learner and practitioner of natural medicines but I also see the importance of western medicine and have had my own life saving experience with being saved with surgery and antibiotics. I believe there is a place and time for both. This fertility journey has been a dance between the two. 

I am a stepmom of two teenagers. It is a blessing to be a bonus mom to these beautiful children but it is also surfaces a deep pain of mothering without being a mom, of caretaking children while desperately trying to have one of my own. Being thrown into the deep end of parenting teens is a challenge I never imagined for myself. I’ve only been in their lives for about 4 years now. Being a bonus mom while trying (and failing) at becoming a bio mom is excruciating. It generates rage, resentment, grief, jealously and comparison. I love these kids and at this point I can’t imagine my life without them and the feelings there are deep and complicated. Step-momming and infertility are intricately interwoven into my personal journey. 

I’m starting this blog as a sort of online diary. Unedited and unfiltered. It feels vulnerable and exciting to reach out into the great abyss of the internet and share some of the most gutted hurt I’ve ever gone through. I’m not on the other side of this. I don’t have a sweet little hero’s journey success story bundled up in my lap in the form of a baby. I’m right in the middle, fighting demons, braving the underworld. I want to be honest and real because there is so much silence and isolation in this process with a real lack of general education about infertility. But this is only my story, my experience, my feelings. I cannot speak for anyone else. 

Thank you for reading my story. If you are also on your own fertility path know you are not alone. There is a silent sisterhood around the world bearing this with you. Your story is worth being told.